Widow Strong

I wrote the below entry a couple of months after Jordan’s Service and I would say most of the below still holds true. I do feel differently when people call me strong, because you know what, I am strong. I also understand people were trying to give me strength at a time when I needed it the most and they couldn’t imagine going through something I was going through. I appreciate everyone who was there for me, especially the first couple of months. Truth is, I wouldn’t know what to say to a person either if the roles were reversed.

If a widow cries on the couch drinking wine and no one is around to see it, did it happen?

The short answer, yes. There have been many times where people have told me that I am so strong and I seem to be coping with the loss of my husband really well. To that I would say, how do you know? Do you have a camera in my house? If so, you would see empty bags of chips in the garbage, it’s impossible for me not to eat a bag in one sitting these days. Or you would see me laying on the couch either crying or have cried watching reruns of my favorite sitcoms, because I can’t seem to watch anything new without Jordan here. Guys, crying is really exhausting, it feels like a full time job sometimes.

Based on my experience of being a young widow I found that people have expectations on how you should be doing. I have caught myself on several occasions changing my “grief tune” based on other people’s expectations because I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, how crazy is that? On top of grieving my husband, I had to worry about other people’s feelings?! I take responsibility for this (not full responsibility), I know I can’t expect people to know what I am going through, but I think people can empathize with me. When people call me so strong, it made me feel that I wasn’t allowed to show weakness and that I had to be a signal of strength for people in these (my) dark times. Believe me, I know people meant this as a compliment because that meant I seemingly looked like a functional human being. What some people don’t know, for me growing up with a European single working mom, it’s super easy to push hard emotional feelings down and to pretend everything is ok. I know a lot of people are like me, just turn on Instagram and look at everyone's “seemingly” perfect life. I know looking at those pictures, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies for these people, we all go through shit, some piles are a lot larger though. My point is, you do what you have to do to get by and that’s what I have been doing.

For me personally, when people said I was so strong and coping really well, it almost made me feel that I didn’t love Jordan enough. Like how could I still be standing without the love of my life not present beside me. It frustrated me, because they didn’t know what Jordan and I went through together. They didn’t know the nights that we cried holding each other, the hard conversations we had with doctors, the hard conversations we had with each other telling me that he wanted to be buried with his wedding suit on, among others. When you see your person decline and have no choice but to watch him, you become strong by default because in your mind there is nothing worse.

The truth is our relationship with each other made me strong because we had really good communication with our feelings. I would tell Jordan at times that I felt overwhelmed by all the caregiving tasks, and that I just needed him to listen to me rant and not do anything about it. He felt guilty that I felt overwhelmed, but it was important for him to recognize we’re both in this journey together. Also, we had a really good support system through our journey with cancer. We had family and friends who were there for us, I started seeing a psychologist and I saw my doctor regularly. I know there are some people out there that aren’t as lucky, especially those who are dealing with sudden death.

Just because widows are still standing it doesn’t mean they are strong and if they are still sitting it doesn’t mean that they are weak. They are processing their way to a new way of life, a life they didn’t think they had to go through until that moment. They are also taking on this new label, a label that I haven’t fully accepted (not sure if I ever will).... Widow. The term is pretty badass, the name reminds me of either this crazy looking spider or Scarlett Johnansson in a tight black leather suit in her role as the Black Widow. I wouldn’t mind opting for the Scarlett Johnasson look. That aside, no one wants to be a widow especially at a young age, but we didn’t have a choice.

Things to (or not) say to a Widow in the beginning:

Don’t say:

• You’re so strong

• How are you keeping yourself together (trust me, we don’t know)

• You’re young, you will get through this (being young doesn’t make it less painful)

• At least you guys loved each other (does that make it better that I lost him? It’s still really painful)

• Everything happens for a reason

• Stay strong, that’s what they would’ve wanted (you don’t know what they would’ve wanted)

• What are you going to do now? (It feels like you’re rushing them through their grief)

• Keep busy

• Don’t make it about your loss

• Don’t compare to your own grief (especially to your pet)

• Time heals all wounds (some wounds aren’t meant to heal)

• I don’t know how you did it

• Poor thing

• Don’t ask questions if you can’t be uncomfortable with the response

Say:

• Take time for yourself

• I’m really sorry you lost someone that you love

• Have a nice memory of the loved one, make sure it’s nice!

• Make suggestions on ways to help, do not ask the widow what they need help with (We don’t know, especially at the beginning)

• Try taking a compassionate angle instead of a pity

• Ask them for one on one coffee date, and be ok if they say no (it's important to show up, especially after the funeral)

• This fucken sucks, I’m sorry and I’m always here for you

I would love to hear the things you have encountered, send me an email and let me know!