Trigger of smell

I felt inspired to write this post after a spousal loss support group session. We spoke about triggers that make us remember our spouses and cause us to feel the pain of what we lost. For me, when I have a deep trigger it makes me cry and not a normal cry, it's the kind of cry that makes me look like I have aged 10 years when I am done. For me when I’m done crying, sometimes I feel like “huh ok, I guess life still moves on”, and unfortunately it does. I feel like there is real beauty in pain if we make a conscious choice to stop and see it.

This story is called my ‘love trigger of smell’. At the point when Jordan was no longer able to go to the washroom, his bowels were all controlled by a Gastrostomy Tube (G-Tube) that came from his stomach. When the tube leaked, which it often did, it would essentially smell like his bowels. In Jordan’s final weeks in the hospital, I was back and forth between home and the hospital. When I was at home, I was usually rushing to get out of the house as soon as possible to see Jordan. When I was getting ready I caught the smell of his bowels or vomit, it would all smell the same at that point. As unpleasant as that smell was, I didn’t want to stop smelling it, it reminded me of Jordan and how badly I wanted him with me. When I arrived at the hospital, I told him how I smelt his bowels and how I really enjoyed the smell because it reminded me of him, he said calmly “that’s love” and meekly smiled at me. It was one of many sweet moments that Jordan and I had together in the end and it has been a real learning opportunity.

As painful as it is for me to recount this story, it reminds me of how much I love love. Thinking about that smell reminds me what I lost, but it also reminds me how much I loved and the meaningfulness of our relationship. Whether it’s the smell of freshly baked cookies that reminds you of your late mother or the smell of a cologne that reminds you of your late uncle, it might feel like a deep sadness but it’s a good reminder of the love we have in our lives. When a person passes away in our lives, the love you have for that person will never disappear, it might get less painful but the feeling of love will not disappear.

In dark moments especially in the days of Covid when we have lost so many of our loved ones or people struggling with mental health, triggers will be painful and cause deep sadness. I do believe some triggers can lead us to feel love (I am not discounting those people who have suffered major trauma that involves violence and other severe incidences in their lives, I don’t have experience with these subjects and cannot include these experiences in this post). You do not have to necessarily lose someone to experience a love trigger. I encourage those who have loving partners to smell their partners shampoo or something that reminds you of them and your love for them. Those of you who are not in a loving relationship can bake cookies or cook a favourite meal, something that will bring you to a place of love, even if it's a reminder of loving yourself. I think taking a moment to remember love is so important and so simple which can impact our mental health. Let me know your stories where the trigger of smell leads you to think of love.