Hard Conversations

I never wanted to have the conversation with Jordan about what I need to do if the day should come that he’s not here. I never gave up hope that he would make it through his cancer diagnosis and speaking about the possibility that he might not be here means I gave up hope.

Jordan has always been the more organized and responsible one between the two of us. He would be the one at the doctor’s appointments asking about every type of scenario, whereas I only wanted to hear one scenario. Jordan liked to be prepared in anything that he was doing, where I am the person that will jump off the edge hoping it would work out. I think that’s one of the reasons we were a good match, we definitely balanced each other out from that perspective.

I am so grateful that Jordan prepared for everything he could, because it definitely made things a lot easier for me after. It wasn’t just about the big thing and making a Will, it was also the small things about what to expect around the house, with the car and finances. He knew I relied heavily on these aspects, and I think it was important for him to know that I was going to be ok.

Earlier in his diagnosis he was explaining to me about his paperwork and all things that might need to happen in the event that he is not here. I remember feeling anxiety and flustered because I did not want to have this conversation at all. I told him “Ok we’ll talk about it now, but after we’re going to put it away and focus on you getting better”. I thought I was being optimistic or maybe I was being naïve?

Jordan making these preparations was a way that he showed that he loves me, and not to say that if your person doesn’t do this that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. This is the way that Jordan is, he planned for every scenario to a point that we wouldn’t leave the house without something extra because he would say “just incase”. This came easy to him, he was a list person, he had lists for everything (This is something I am trying to implement). He had a list of all the stuff he had to teach and show me around the house. When he passed away he had a list of things that I needed to do from 3 weeks all the way to when it comes down to selling the house.

I know how difficult it is to have these hard conversations, trust me I would always run or change the subject when he would begin to speak about it. Sometimes he would sneak attack me with his list and we would have arguments because it would overwhelm me. In hindsight I am happy we had these conversations because one thing that I learned is that when Cancer becomes aggressive things can happen really quickly. The person that was able to have conversations with you is no longer able to keep his eyes open long enough to finish one sentence.

The more sick Jordan got, the harder it was to have these conversations. The type of conversations changed from things that needed to be done around the house to how and where you want to spend your final moments. One of the hardest conversations we had was what he wanted for the after care for his body, he decided that he wanted to be buried with his wedding suit on. We held each other for a long time after that conversation and told me that he will always be with me and pointed to my heart.

These hard conversations really brought up the importance of living a life full of love. In the final moments it was easier to concentrate just on Jordan and I, and I think is largely due to the fact that we had these excruciating conversations. We definitely had a larger appreciation after these conversations, appreciation that you’re strong enough to have these conversations and listen even if it means they end in tears and heartbreak.

List of hard conversations:

• Creating a Will and a Power of Attorney

• Executor of the Will

• Finances

• Thing to do around the house (i.e. how to change the filter in the furnace)

• To continue treatment (That will be a separate blog post)

• Where to spend your final moments

• After care for your body

• What type of service to honour your physical body

• How much you’ve meant to each other

• Things that you guys learned from each other

• What you learned about life

We had help and guidance along the way. One of Jordan’s best friends is an accountant and he helped us organize and set up Jordan’s Will and finances. This definitely eased Jordan’s anxiety throughout his cancer journey. Palliative doctors assisted us with the conversations and the setup of Jordan's final moments, they were so great and helpful towards Jordan and I. My psychologist helped me in providing me guidance on how to have deeper and more meaningful conversations with Jordan especially in the final moments.

I was surprised by the amount of help we received during this time, it made Jordan and I feel so loved and lucky. More importantly, it made our last moments together less stressful and fuller with love for each other. My advice is to try and have the hard conversations, but not all at once because it can be overwhelming (baby step is what we took). There are great resources and people to help you, we also live in the world of google and YouTube.

Let me know about your hard conversations and if I missed anything. We don’t have to be alone in these hard conversations, we can run but can’t hide from them.