Grieving through Covid

Leave me alone, no don’t leave me alone for too long. That is what goes through my mind all the time. In the book ‘A Grief Observed’ by C.S. Lewis wrote about the passing of his wife, he said he liked to be in the company of others but didn't want to engage with them. This exactly matched my sentiment, I didn’t want to tell anyone how I was feeling, but I also didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to answer questions. I just wanted to lay down and let everyone be around me, and for the most part that's what happened especially in the beginning. Jordan happened to pass away during a time when Covid rules were loosening and we were able to have a small service for him.

After the service was completed, I almost felt an instant ‘what now?’ feeling. I have a great support system and a lot of people checked in on me, took me out and called me. As I am writing this, it has been 3 month since Jordan passed away and Covid’s second wave has begun. Everyone has begun their Covid quarantine regime, and once this started happening I felt a sense of alone. It was an alone feeling that I have never felt. You might say, “it took you 3 months to feel alone?!”. That’s not what I am saying. In the last few months I have had this fog over me that kept me distracted, but I realized that the pain that I am distracting myself from is never going to go away. I realized that there is no shortcut to grieving someone you love. Once Covid’s second wave hit, I was alone this time. This time I had no one to take care of, no one to sleep with, no one to give me a hug, no one to hold my hand. I felt that my friends and family had each other and I was alone. It was a reminder of everything I lost. It is no one's fault, unfortunately this is life for me. This is my new reality right now, quarantining at home alone and it hit me like a bag of bricks.

I still have family and friends to go to, but at the end of the day they go to their own homes. I feel like people living alone (especially those who are grieving) during this time are reminded of all the things they don’t have. We are stuck in this place alone with our thoughts and trust me they aren’t pretty most of the time. After hours of crying and angry/negative self talk, I was still alone. I even go for runs to lift my spirits, I find that for a split second I feel good and happy and then I realize that I don’t have anyone to share the happiness with. It definitely grounds me. I don’t know if this is a good thing or not, I am still trying to figure it out. The silver lining is that I get time to be with me, to learn this new me. I am not the same person I was last year or even last month. It’s amazing the things you can find out about yourself if you just ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Why am I angry?, Why am I sad?, Why do I feel so clingy to certain people?, Why do I push some people away?, Why do I feel like there is a wall between me and this person?

I was on the other side of Covid, I couldn’t see Jordan for the week he was admitted to the hospital and I wasn’t allowed to go with him to the ER for the last time. It was really hard and I imagine the countless others that are going through the same thing. My uncle also recently just passed away from Cancer and my mom had to say her final good byes to him through the outside window of the hospital. My parents had to say their final goodbye on a video call to their son in law. Everyone is just trying to get by and do the best they could given the current circumstances. In order to get through this we have to do it together, but not physically. I am writing this because I know the importance of mental health and the importance of keeping each other safe. In this world we have nothing but time and Covid is bringing this to the forefront.

It is really hard for me not to be with the people I love or go to a workout class. I love to be around people, but if my staying home and wearing masks can help in a micro way to allow people to see their loved ones before they die then I’m going to do whatever I can. Does this make mental health easier for me? Nope. I still feel sad, I still feel lonely, I still feel angry, I still feel shitty. This is one of the reasons I started this blog, because I think some of us feel like this from time to time and I think collectively we can help each other.

Send me your stories on how Covid is affecting you and if you have any tips or strategies that are helping you.