Check in and Valentines Day

This entry was written during the first year of Jordan's passing, during the pandemic. I still feel these strong and raw emotions, some days are definitely better than others.

It has been a while since I did a self assessment on myself and how I have been feeling. I constantly check in to see how I am feeling however, I haven’t written about it in a while. It has been 7 months since Jordan passed and there hasn’t been a moment I don’t think about him and the love we shared. Since today is Valentine’s day I thought there wouldn’t be a better time to reflect.

I still feel like I am constantly reminding myself that he is not here, especially when I know he would’ve loved something or would enjoy a new show or movie. I get emotional when our favourite songs are on the radio, it would just remind me of the road trips we would take to the US or to his family cottage. Music was something we shared and had in common, but we definitely had different yet similar tastes. We would try our best to embrace each other's tastes and find a compromise. Jordan loved country music and my only knowledge of country music when we met was Taylor Swift and Keith Urban (that song at the end of “How to lose a guy in 10 days”...swoon).

He taught me that country music was more than depressing breakup songs, but about storytelling of raw emotions. We went to Nashville and went to the country music hall of fame and was introduced to Alan Jackson’s song “Where were you when the world stopped” and it brought tears to my eyes through the emotion he put forth in this song.

I bring up Jordan’s love for country music because in a way that’s how Jordan operated that I will forever take with me. What you saw with Jordan was almost what you got but in such a deep way. When he told you that he liked something, he meant it, when he told you he loved you he meant it. There was no hidden meaning to his love, he loved wholeheartedly. He taught me that you can love and be strong at the same time. Love is not a weakness, and we are all worthy of it.

I spend a lot of my time in self reflection, where I constantly feel like a different person and I feel like I’m forever changed by Jordan. I still feel that strong love connection that we shared that no one could ever take away.

I also feel like l spend a lot of my time figuring it out, figuring out how to do stuff around the house, figuring out meal planning for 1, figuring out my emotions, figuring out a new routine.

I still get waves of absolute deep sadness followed by a numbness. I’m starting to realize numbness is my mind’s way to stop the painful memories. I still have the painful memories of Jordan’s suffering and the pain still feels so fresh and raw. I think for the very first time I understand alcoholism, I understand the numbness that is needed to function in everyday life. I understand the numbness to stop the pain ( I am in no way promoting alcoholism or substance abuse, I just understand it). I find myself lost in a thought about reliving Jordan’s final moments and I have to force myself to stop. Sometimes I let myself experience the emotions, but sometimes I don’t because I’ll have a work meeting scheduled in the next 5 minutes. I have no idea if what I am doing is right, it’s just what I need to do to get by.

I am having trouble with my relationship with time. I hate that it passes but I love going to bed. I hate that another day goes by that I am not with Jordan, I hate that I laugh without him, I hate that I cry without him. I miss so many things about him and I miss having someone around who understands me. Both of our birthdays have passed since he left and I try to pretend that they aren’t going to happen. Just like Valentine’s day, I try to forget that it was coming. Just like any typical relationship we would be that annoying couple that would do those cute little things that might make single people gag. I would make Jordan a nice dinner and he would buy me chocolate and flowers.

Our last Valentine’s day was different, he couldn’t eat anything and it was Covid. I remember neither of us remembering it was Valentine’s day, although I think he remembered but didn’t want to say it. I remembered probably from a prompt through a friend wishing me a happy Valentine’s day. I said happy Valentine’s day to Jordan and he looked at me and said “Babe I feel like a total shit rat that I can’t do anything for you on Valentine’s day” and the look was pure failure on his face. I tried to reassure him that I wasn’t a bougie girl that needed material items, but I don’t know if it made him feel better.

It’s just what cancer does, not only does it degrade and kill the physical existence of the person, it kills special moments that add to the suffering. It’s so much more than a disease, it causes a ripple effect, something like an earthquake, where shocks are felt a long time after it’s gone.

The memory of Valentine’s day teaches me not to take any special moment for granted. Valentine’s day is mostly full of commercialism where flowers and chocolate are double the price, but it’s worth celebrating and taking the time to tell those around you that you love them. You have nothing to lose by being vulnerable to the people who are worth it.

I know people think that you don’t need a day to tell people you love them, and it’s true. It’s good to have a reminder once and while, because sometimes life and time gets the best of us. I was never one to celebrate anniversaries, but now I do. This year on Valentine’s day, I feel like Jordan and I would’ve woken up and had our morning coffee/tea with our “MRS” and “MR” mugs like we did every Sunday. I reached into our cupboard and took out our mugs. I filled my mug up and left his mug on the coffee table. It was a nice moment. I inspected the mug to see if there were any old remnants of the last time Jordan drank from the mug and I began to cry.

After I cried, I kept on thinking how sad my life would look to an outside person. I just reminded myself that no one’s life is perfect. People will experience pain and loss, maybe not in the way I did, but they will and I’ll be there to tell them it’s ok to feel the pain. Vulnerability is a strength, crying is a release, and the pain is love.

Tell me your stories of loss and vulnerability you felt....