3 month check in…..

I wrote this post in October after I spent hours on the couch watching reruns of Modern Family and New Girl. As I reread this, some of my perspectives have shifted and some have stayed the same.

It has been 3 months in and there hasn’t been a moment where I haven’t felt the deep sadness and a deep miss for Jordan. I’m not crying all the time, but I do feel a dimness within me especially when I am around other people (ugh happy people). In the beginning I felt bad that I wasn’t up to their energy, but then I thought to myself, they didn’t lose someone they love to cancer. The one advice that I have been following is to take it easy on myself, there isn’t one straight through process to grieving, what is right for one person isn’t necessarily right for you.

For me being an introspective person, reading and writing has given the best emotional relief and is currently giving me a way to process everything that happened to Jordan and I. Please note, this is after watching 5 to 10 hours of Netflix and eating tons of chocolate (my skin has been breaking out a lot lately).

For the last two years it was about taking care of Jordan and people would ask me how I am doing it? How am I keeping everything together? And honestly I did have a lot of breakdowns, and I would tell myself that I have to put on my big girl pants and suck it up. This got me through the moment, however it didn’t allow me to process everything that was happening.

Rewriting my version allowed me to realize that I have been through a lot and that I am a strong person. Also made me realize how hard it was living in the shadow of death, every moment we had became bittersweet, every hand holding moment became so special and these are the moments that give me the biggest emotional breakdown.

I struggle with the last moments of Jordan’s life, they are so painful and the memories make me cry like I did when he was first diagnosed or when he passed away. Luckily I do have so many great memories of Jordan and I hope that one day these great memories will outweigh the painful ones. I don’t expect that I will ever get over these painful memories, I just think they will become a part of me.

One thing I have noticed at the 3 month point that I don’t know will ever change, is that I have to constantly remind myself that Jordan is not here. I constantly find myself being excited about something, like fall, but quickly snap back to the reality that Jordan is not here to share it with me. I also find that it is hard for me to think more than a couple of days in advance, I don’t know the direction of my life. I can say for the first time that I am ok with that, I’m starting to realize that cliché is true, “Life is about the journey and not about the destination”.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously was joining a spousal support group. Not to say misery loves company ( I mean it’s mostly true) but it is nice to speak to a group of people that understand your situation and the depth of your pain. It’s one thing that your friends and family listen and try to empathize with you, but it's another when someone is in your shoes and can empathize with you. To know when you say you miss your person, they know the miss you are going through, to say you're sad, they know the sadness you’re going through. We didn’t just lose our person we lost our future. Also grief isn’t a competition, just because you’re not crying all the time doesn’t mean you loved your person any less than another person that is crying more. I find myself having more sad moments now because time is going by and the world is still moving. I see everyone’s life moving and mine seems like a standstill.

I am not ok, but I am ok with not being ok.

That’s where I am at 3 months, let me know you’re at, or even let me know where you were at your 3 month mark. Remember wherever you are in your journey, you are not alone.